#( NOBULLY 08 )

[nicawlette]

Permission asked and given. It enables a greed within her that both burns for more and settles with content at being fed. She feels terribly exposed standing before him, stripped bare with all the ugliest parts on display, and yet the instinct to hide away does not come. Not this time. She's too weary to fear the hands laid out to hold her. It feels so much better to let go, anyway.

They've already laid their claim— mine and yours. Even forgetting had not been enough to erase the marks left beneath flesh and bone. This is simply a reminder. An invitation to fill every empty space.

Nicolette intends to do exactly that.

❝ I wonder just how much you'll allow me to get away with, ❞ she hums, brushing the pad of her thumb over the delicate mole beneath his eye. ❝ You've always been bad at telling me no, even before. ❞ The skin of his cheekbone is soft as she presses lightly into the mark.

❝ It should go without saying, but the same goes for you, Wang Yi. Anything you want... it's yours. ��

Nicolette smiles, sly but fond. ❝ You've barged into my home and swept me off my feet... but I feel like it's missing something... ❞

It's a little scary, being confronted with so much feelings all at once. He can hardly keep track of his own beyond the pounding of his heart that seems to intensify with every minute. Is this what Nicolette hears too, resting her face against his chest? The thought makes Wang Yi nervous, and he swallows back a mixture of anxiety and anticipation even as she...confesses back.

With this, they're on the same page, right?

Even if he's still trying to figure out the book they're reading right now. Her eyes on him are sudden and unshielded—a look that says everything, even if he can only read the prologue at most. But it's less expectation than reassurance that she offers, a invitation to let herself in and take the lead to bring them closer.

"Hahah...all right."

"You know, right now you're as terrifying as the first time I met you."

Which isn't saying much, since he'd hardly been scared—more flustered and out of his depth. But that was true with most things in his life, except no one had helped him then. He hadn't let them, yet at the same time...none of them had ever understood him for what he was.

"But since I have a taste for scary things...I might as well give you all the room you like."

A hand moves to rest over the one cradling his cheek as Wang Yi breathes a content sigh back.

"You're always allowed as long as it's me, all right? Nicolette."

[marbersecurity]

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[nicawlette]

Me too, she wants to say, but doesn't. It hurts to think that they'd plagued each other's minds so tortuously for such strikingly different reasons. There is some comfort, however, to know that her effect on him had not dissipated, even if the memories had. Regardless of anything else, Nicolette had succeeded in carving out a place for herself inside him.

There was twisted satisfaction knowing it would be left empty without her there to fill it. It was only fair. After all, he'd done the very same to her.

Wang Yi's tentative confession renders her speechless— a rare feat to accomplish. Others have offered their heart in much grander displays, and she has cruelly proven it to be a mistake. But none have known her as he does.

For as much as she lies to herself, Nicolette can't ignore the way his words leave her aching for something that had once seemed so impossibly out of reach. ❝ Wang Yi, I... I think— ❞ She stops, lips pressing into a firm line as she hides her face against his chest. It burns terribly, as do her ears. ❝ No... I like you. Too. For awhile. ❞ There is no need to think— not for her. This feeling cannot be anything else, but she dares not speak a heavier word. Not yet. Not now.

❝ I may know what it is... but I don't know what to do with it anymore than you do. I've never... I didn't think I was allowed... something like this. ❞ Nicolette forces herself to unfurl from her hiding place, peering up at him with uncharacteristic insecurity and fragile hope. ❝ It's okay, ❞ she whispers, smiling softly upon seeing his fraught expression, sliding a hand from his back to cradle a cheek in her palm. ❝ I can teach you what I know... and everything else, we can learn together. As long as I take up the biggest space... we can keep getting worse. ❞

His wasn't a bold declaration of love, nor did it hold the warm affection of a romantic film's leading man, but how could she ever be disappointed with this? After all, one day implied a future. It was an unspoken promise, same as her willingness to wait for it.

He tenses at the puff of air past his skin, but it isn't unpleasant. Something curls in his gut as he simply continues to hold her, content in their proximity.

"I've been thinking about you the whole week," he murmurs back. Even before he got his memories back, she was in his head, in one way or another. He just hadn't realized why.

"On the way here too."

"And outside just then. I was figuring out ways to get in your window, then wondering what I'd do if you kicked me out anyways. Or maybe you'd already moved on...stupid things like that."

In hindsight, that was belittling them both.

"Nicolette, I uh..." This was going to sound stupid too, especially after all the other stuff they've been saying back and forth, but he feels like it's important to get it out nonetheless.

"...I think I like you. For a long time now." It sounds even worse than he imagines, but Wang Yi soldiers on.

"At least...I feel something towards you. I'm not—I've never been good at expressing this stuff but, you know? It's different than being friends. Um. I think before we go crazy again or anything I should let you know, because I can tell it's getting worse—no, I mean better, uh..."

He trails off, looking guilt-stricken again.

"Maybe one day when I get it, I can say it to you properly."

[nicawlette]

She relaxes in fractions with every bit of assurance. ❛ Okay ❜, he says. ❛ Okay ❜ and ❛ I promise ❜. Nicolette knows better than anyone that words only mean so much— quickly forgotten and even easier to contradict. They've made this promise before, and reopened wounds can't be healed with a single bandage. They both know that, too.

Still, it's a start, and after everything Nicolette isn't willing to let go of the rope— couldn't do it the first time, and can't do it now. She's always been the last to let go. Wang Yi would have no choice but to pry himself from her grasp like he'd done in the coffeeshop, but instead he pulls her in closer with every step he takes into the apartment.

With the door closed, the outside world is forgotten for now. It's only the two of them in a space that feels much warmer now that his presence has returned to it.

Wang Yi's words bring a soft smile to her lips, speaking aloud her very thoughts. As his face presses closer she breathes a sigh that ghosts past his ear when she leans in and brushes lips along the shell of it. ❝ What stupid things? ❞ Nicolette whispers, tone gentle, wavering between curious and teasing. ❝ It can't be so bad if we go crazy together, can it? ❞

After all, wasn't it logic that seemed to be their greatest enemy? What good at it done them thus far? ❝ You don't have to think about anything else... just think about me... ❞

What else does he say to that, besides yes?

"Okay. Okay, I—yeah."

"It's my fault, so of course I'll take r-responsibility. I promise."

He doesn't know what to do after that beyond hold her, but it feels silly doing it halfway in the hall, so Wang Yi gently shuffles inside with no resistance while nudging the door shut behind him with his foot. Once inside and alone (for now), his heart finally settles in his chest as he opens his mouth to speak—

—and the words catch.

There's too much to say and not enough language to articulate it all. For every thought he wants to voice, two more crowd its place, each declaration beset by the doubts still lingering inside him.

Can I do it? A promise is easy to keep, but he knows with Nicolette it's the feelings behind it that matter just as much. Would it be too much to ask her to guide him all the way? Is this best for her?

I thought of seeing her with someone else once... His grip tightens at the thought, even as his questions grow. That'd be best...but... But I'm here now.

And she wants him to stay.

"I think I'm going crazy too," Wang Yi mutters back before turning his head to nuzzle her face back. "My head won't stop thinking about...stupid things..."

"But it's nice here, Nicolette. With you."

[nicawlette]

It takes every bit of willpower she has not to shrink beneath his gaze, afraid that his eyes will reflect the same cold indifference she never wants to see again. In this state, thick skin has been stripped, leaving her unguarded and exposed. Wang Yi could flay her alive with a single look if he chose.

But there's no trace of that distance to be found. Instead, Wang Yi holds her stare with such intensity that she's rendered speechless. He looks at her, through her, captivating in his unspoken desperation. Nicolette feels lost in warm jade, unsteady but somehow weightless all the same. For as much as he claims to lack the depth for feeling, she's drowning beneath the surface of it all.

More than anything, Nicolette recognizes the yearning, both in his eyes and in his words. She knows, because she wears it too.

Tension bleeds from her rigid frame as his arms pull her in. It's gentle at first, but then Wang Yi holds her like she might disappear if he lets go. Like the snapping of a string Nicolette melts against his chest, hands trapped between their bodies. Both palms drag their way to his back, clinging onto the jacket as fingers dig into his shoulder blades. She presses closer, burying her face along the curve of Wang Yi's neck while he whispers sweet nothings.

A shiver leaves her trembling in his arms, heart thrashing like a bird in a cage behind her ribs. ❝ You can't take it back, ❞ She whispers, pleads, drawing in a shaky gasp as he presses a kiss to her forehead. Then, an exhale like a soft sigh when those lips move to her nose. Lashes brush against his cheek before he shifts again and she's forced to close her eyes, the last of her tears caught by his tender affection.

Her head lifts higher, face tilting towards his like a flower craning for the sun, noses brushing. ❝ I won't let you go, ❞ A breathless promise, ghosting past parted lips in the short distance between them. ❝ I can't— I don't know how. I've never... I've never had anything that's mine... I've never had a home. ❞ Her brows furrow as if in pain, eyes fluttering open slowly to meet his once again. ❝ Not like this... not like you. ❞

Despite how close he is, she burns for him. A sense of longing that brings both pain and pleasure. They're too far apart and blissfully close, all at the same time. ❝ I feel like I'm going crazy. ❞ Rising slightly to her toes to shorten the distance further, the tip of her nose traces the bridge of his before nudging into his cheek as she continues, ❝ I didn't think... I was ever allowed to have this, either. You've ruined me... turned me into a crybaby and encouraged all my greed— you'll take responsibility, won't you, Yiyi? ❞ Don't leave me. Please, be mine.

@nobully

And finally, she looks his way.

Is it judgment or deliverance that greets him? He doesn't know. All he sees is watery purples and the tremor in her voice as she cries. It is his fault and so he looks, taking in every facet to memory (please, please don't forget again).

He wishes she could hit him harder, but he doesn't want her hurt. He wishes he say something to make it all right, but the urge to beg forgiveness first keeps his words stuck in his throat. And dammit, he'd cry with her if he could (he can feel it in his chest, buried but aching), but of course his body never does what his head says it should.

"I didn't know what we meant either," he finally croaks out, hands tightening on her arms. "I didn't think I ever could, I—"

"There's always been a part of me that's missing."

Does she know? He thinks she already figured it out when the two of them were groping their way towards each other in the dark, afraid to touch but reluctant to let go when they did. At some point, they'd stopped attacking each other's weaknesses and embracing them instead, sheltering each other with barbed words first, then tender affirmations.

The stupidest thing he ever did was to push away what he wanted from the very start.

Quietly his arms move to circle around her, easing Nicolette into an embrace. It starts out timid, but grows in strength once he can feel her, smell her, touch her real and alive before her. She's close. She's safe, ensconced here in his arms.

"But I don't miss anything when I'm...with you."

So much that he'd forgotten his mission and his own world behind. Feelings had always been fleeting for him until he met her, and then they were almost overwhelming. It wasn't until Wang Yi recovered his memories that the empty, aching want made so much sense in hindsight. He wasn't missing parts of himself, but her in his life the entire time.

"So you know, Nicolette," he turned his head, burying his face into her hair as he exhaled a shuddering breath. "You've already caught me, like I've got you now. If we both hold on, then this time...I don't think either of us needs to go."

He hesitates for one second, just in case she wants to draw away. Then he gives her no more chances as he moves to plant a kiss on her forehead—steady, soft, and slow.

"I'm sorry I kept you waiting. But..." This time he moves to kiss her nose, then the teardrops still dangling off her eyelashes. "I'm here now, Nini."

"I've come home."

@nicawlette

[nicawlette]

❛ Yeah, I'm a liar. But not to you. Not now, not ever. ❜

It rattles something in her to hear that which had once been mostly understood without words. Not a question, but a statement. Throughout their complex history, Wang Yi had almost always spoken what he believed to be true. Whether it was or not was something else entirely, and his actions sometimes contradicted the truth, but it was undeniable fact. If anything, she had been the one to lie with words while behaving in ways that betrayed her façade. There was something pitifully ironic about that, to be so intrinsically different. The dichotomy of their personalities had always caused the ugliest rift, but was also what made them unable to stay away. They kept coming back, despite the torment.

Nicolette knows he's telling the truth— he'd meant every cruel thing he said in that coffeeshop. She'd seen it in the emptiness of his pitying gaze. ❛ Sorry. It would've been better if you hated me from the start. ❜ Wang Yi had meant that, too, and it makes her heart ache for him.

But it's not possible— she couldn't hate him then, when he threw every insecurity into her face while twisting the knife, and she can't hate him now, when he's trying so hard to hold on. The sudden weight atop her shoulders causes her to flinch, body going rigid for only a moment before she's tugged forward. A scarred hand meets his chest on instinct as if to push away. It lays there, palm flat and warm against Wang Yi's heart. His fervent request shakes her to the core. ❝ You're so unfair... ❞

Nicolette's resolve crumbles like dust. Since when has she been capable of denying him anything? Had she not peeled back her flesh to bare the bones underneath to him, time and time again? ❝ How am I... supposed to do that? You know I can't... you're always— you're always the one leaving me. ❞ Those fingers grasp into his shirt, holding on as if he might disappear. As if he might change his mind, again. It's easier to be like this without facing the intensity of his gaze, but in the end, Nicolette is weak to him.

Two-tone purple meets earnest green, and though sorrow has abated to a mere ache, the tears in her eyes have nowhere else to go. Stubborn as she is, they spill unrestrained down flushed cheeks, brows furrowing. ❝ This... this is all your fault! Look at me, or, no— don't look, I... ngh— ❞ A small sob slips by and the hand curls into a fist. ❝ I waited... and you didn't come back, I thought— I thought... it meant nothing... ❞

She hits him, once, then twice, knocking the side of her fist against his sternum with little force. Lashes flutter rapidly, clumping with tears. Her vision blurs with them. ❝ You're so— you're so fucking stupid... and mean... and— ! ❞ And she likes him. God, she likes him so much it's infuriating. Nicolette grits her teeth, furiously wiping at the tears on her ruddy cheeks. ❝ A-And I don't want you to go! Please, don't leave me again... ❞

Don't lie, she says.

He flinches at that, but this time he owns up to it, two fingers turning into his entire hand as he fully clutches the blanket in his fist. It's still shy of her entire person, but he doesn't deserve that yet.

"Yeah," he croaks, "Yeah, I'm a liar. But not to you. Not now, not ever."

"Even when I forgot, I—" he falters, remembering his condemnation and her tears. They were both lonely, both strange—he knew they had a connection there, but he hadn't accepted it. Instead he'd pushed too hard the other way just to deny it could ever happen, because why would he risk anyone else getting so close to him? Murder it before it bloomed. Kill her like he killed himself, because monsters were too dangerous to be offered mercy.

He had thought back then that it was the only way for either of them to survive.

"—I was telling the truth about what I felt, because I didn't know I had anything else."

Admitting that is terrifying too, because he'd said such disgustingly awful things. But he can't just pretend it didn't happen, or brush it under the rug because he remembers now and knows better.

"I...I haven't been able to lie to you since day one, Nicolette. W-whether it was you seeing through me or me knowing it wouldn't work...you've always been able to understand me. So..."

His fingers curl, gripping the blanket even tighter. She had stared at him before hiding her face, not with disgust but a sort of helplessness he feels in his own heart. It gives him a pathetic kind of hope as he steps forward, unimpeded since she isn't trying to push him out yet.

"Look at me, please?" His hands move to her shoulders, pulling her to face him. "I-I don't know how else to tell you I mean it when I've already hurt you but...I don't want to lose you. I never meant to make you cry. I, I..."

His breath hitches as his grip on her tightens.

"I'm not leaving, not unless you make me."

@nicawlette

[nicawlette]

Her reaction time isn't what it usually is in her current state and Wang Yi manages to move faster than she can slam the door shut behind her. The sound of his foot jamming in between the frame makes her flinch, concern for his wellbeing battling against the instinct to flee. Despite her condition, Nicolette is confident she remains stronger than him— it likely wouldn't take much at all, to push him into the hall, perhaps even break his foot forcing the door closed. Neither option is all that appealing. In fact, she hardly puts up any sort of fight at all, especially not when he says her name in such a soothing tone.

Even as he tries to explain himself she resists. Nicolette shakes her head with every attempt, backing up half a step in preparation to run; however, the moment he actually reaches out, she's left frozen in place. Her eyes squeeze shut, refusing to meet his gaze, afraid they'll carry the same indifference that broke her heart. Afraid they'll be so sincere it demolishes poorly rebuilt walls. It had been a mistake to be so vulnerable before— would be foolish to do so again.

But oh, how hard it is to resist him. ❝ N-No... stop— ❞ Voice breaks in its soft whisper with a wounded moan, and lips quiver as her expression fractures with grief. ❝ Don't lie. ❞ It doesn't come out as firmly as intended. Nothing about his words ring untrue. Apologies spill from his lips unbidden, smashing through her flimsy resistance. The stuttered plea is what does her in, heavy with the very same yearning that presses painfully against her ribs. Both hands tremble as they clutch the knob in a white-knuckled grip. ❝ Please, don't be lying... I-I can't, not again, Wang Yi, I— ❞

A shaking gasp interrupts feeble begging and Nicolette bites into her lip to repress a pitiful sob. She peers up at him then, eyes glassy beneath long lashes, unguarded in their pining. Wang Yi looks so earnest it makes her ache. Nicolette draws back as if to reject his touch, attempting to hide her pathetic state behind a hand. All the while, her heart begs, touch me. Hold me. Don't go.

He's made her like this— weak and emotional. She's never been like this before, so it must be his fault. It's as terrifying as it is exhausting, the consequences of these tumultuous feelings, and still... in her heart, she surrenders. He makes it impossible not to. Again and again, she will hand him the knife, hoping each time it will be different. ❝ W—Wang Yi... please... ❞

At one point Wang Yi does hear Nicolette's voice from the other side, but the words are too soft to make out. It convinces him that this trip wasn't wasted though, and he pounds against the door even harder until his hands hurt and he has to take a break.

"Hahh..." C'mon, think. He's always been more brains than muscle, after all. I don't want to actually call the cops...

Could he lockpick his way in? Wang Yi carefully inspects the door, but this doesn't seem like the right kind of door handle. Or maybe he could give Sun a call to ferry him up to the window? Yeah, that seems doable. It also beats the alternative, which is accepting that maybe Nicolette's given him up for good after his last stunt. Again, she can do whatever she wants but he has to confirm she's okay first. Did anyone tend to her bandages? Was she eating properly while he was gone? What about the day he left her, what did she do then?

Turning to the side, Wang Yi digs out a phone and starts furiously texting Sun the address and request. Before he can press Send, the door suddenly opens up and makes him freeze like a deer in headlights. A waft of alcohol fills the air and then he sees her: barefoot and disheveled, a blanket wrapped around her shoulders and her messy, tangled hair, face so pale and body faintly trembling.

She's the teenager in her memories all over again, alone and lost without a single person to love her in the world.

His relief at seeing her alive turns to panic at what she looks like and Wang Yi can't help blurting out her name as soon as she speaks.

"Nico—"

❝ — AH!! ❞

Her face flushes—still pretty even when the rest of her looks so wrecked—and then she's stuttering and skittering away like a startled deer. Luckily, his body reacts before his brain can catch up by sticking his foot in her door before she can slam it shut in his face. The pain doesn't even register as he braces himself against the doorframe to pry out a space for himself.

"N-Nicolette," he tries again, too afraid to charge in in case it startles her, too terrified to back out in case she never sees him again.

"I'm—i-it's me." Don't go, she had said. "I'm back."

"I remember it. I remember us—everything."

His hands almost grabs for her before he checks himself, uncertain. He wants to touch her so bad but he doesn't know if she'll let him and—wait, is she bleeding again? He reaches out once more, timidly touching the tiniest corner of her bloodstained blanket between two of his fingers.

"Can you...let me in again? I'm," he swallows, feeling a pressure build in his chest. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, p-please... ..."

Please don't hate me.

@nicawlette

[nicawlette]

There's pounding on the door and in her head when Nicolette's eyes finally open. It's hardly peaceful— her return to the waking world. She's lying in a heap on the floor and the back of her ankles ache from where they'd collided with some random junk during a drunken haze. Nicolette vaguely remembers falling and then promptly passing it. Whether it was the booze or the collision that caused it, she can't be sure, but her fucking back hurts, too. Pieces of broken glass are scattered beside her.

The pounding continues. Screwing both eyes closed once again, Nicolette attempts to block it out, praying that sleep claims her, but then a familiar voice shouts her name and she suddenly feels a lot more sober than before. A sharp hiss through grit teeth as Nicolette moves to sit up too quickly, exacerbating the throbbing headache and slicing her palm on some shards. It's followed by a pathetic moan, heart aching with renewed longing.

Ignore him— it's for the best. She can't take any more of this. Please, she wants to beg, just give me a break. Ignore him. It's a solid plan, but her mouth opens before she can stop it. He's always been good at getting under her skin, making her feel and do things she knows she shouldn't. ❝ Go aw̷a̷y̸! ❞ Her voice cracks, throat dry and emotions high, ❝ I don't— I don't want to see you! Go ahead and call the cops! ❞ She really hopes he doesn't do that, actually.

The knocking continues as Nicolette pushes herself up and stumbles towards the couch where a bloody hand retrieves the blanket thrown over the back cushions. She wraps it around her shoulders and tries to breathe deeply. In and out. In and out. A minute or two slips by and then, blessedly, the banging stops. All is quiet. He's gone.

And Nicolette feels her heart still as the thought repeats itself, more desperate this time. He's gone. Wang Yi is gone. She doesn't realize she's started to shake until reaching up to touch her temple, taking rapid gasps of air. No... no— this isn't what she wants. Not really, not again. It's like watching him walk away in the coffee shop all over, unable to call out until it was already too late. What if this is really it? She thought it already was, but this feels more final, somehow.

Against all reason, Nicolette turns and runs towards the door, eyes already burning with unshed tears as her hands grasp the handle and throw it open. When she steps past the threshold and peers down the hall... there's nothing. Not a single sign of life. Her expression crumbles as she stands there, shoulders slumping in defeat. It hurts— oh, it hurts. ❝ Don't go... ❞ She whispers to the empty space, ❝ Wang Y— AH!! ❞ A voice speaks up behind her and Nicolette shrieks in surprise, whirling around in time to see see pink hair and green eyes. Her heart jumps, yearning, as she gapes, pale features burning red in seconds. Uncharacteristically, she's rendered speechless. His reason for coming here after everything... it makes her afraid.

❝ I-I... you — ! ❞ Nicolette tries to speak, to breathe, but settles for attempting to hide her flushed features behind a corner of the blanket and run back into the apartment, pulling the door closed behind her.

In hindsight, things had been going a little too well.

He'd dumped a weirdo stalker, gave Zhilan a precious memory, resolved an argument with Sun, and ignored the strange aching in his chest by telling himself it didn't matter as long as he was alive and hanging in there in a strange place. Sao Ling had given him odd looks but didn't comment, while Wang Yi himself lacked any urgency to get back what he never remembered missing.

Maybe his mind was trying to block out what his heart craved because it'd eat him up otherwise. But waking up this morning, the realization hit him like a truck smashing through his forehead. Actually regaining his memories had been painless, even gentle; it was sifting through them again to make sense of what he lost (gained) that cut him to the bone.

They diED, all of them that was last night and HYPOCRITE but I'll do it for you, he says, soft and aching sweetly inside (what a strange new emotion that was) until gET OUT because you don't care (not true, he knows this but accepts it, it's what he deserves) and then trying to drown in it, the guilt and the confusion, but she came for him and dragged him out and I'm yours because you're mine and oh, god.

Gods, what had he done to Nicolette.

He hadn't seen her after the cafe row—she never texted or called him again, and he was supposed to be glad for it, even though he kept checking his phone to wonder when. Then he'd picked up her memories and kept it safe—yeah, safe like shit since it's gone back to its owner now—and lived his life like some la-de-la guy without a care in the world. Shithead doesn't come close to describing him, and he's the one who starts texting Nicolette back, then calling her when she doesn't reply.

"Dammit."

Yeah, why would she answer him when he'd told her to scram?

He's dressed and out the door in five minutes flat, hair a mess and red jacket haphazardly tugged over his shoulders—that cuts him like a knife too, and he wondered whether she'd kept his hers–then running to catch the next ride to Golden. At the doors of her apartment he starts knocking, then pounding to get her attention.

"Nicolette!" Shit, is she even home?

"Nicolette, it's me! It's—" What does he say? Your friend? The bastard who dumped you in public? Local backstabber come to twist the knife in your body again?

Does she even want to see him after his last stunt?

Fuck it, she can kill him if she wants, he needs to see her face right now to check if she's okay.

"If you don't open up I'll call the cops!"

@nicawlette